by guest blogger Donna D'Angelo
I was recently offered a work opportunity, in addition to my current employment. My initial feeling was that I didn't want to do it. I wanted the free time to write and play music. And maybe just rest. And yet, I felt compelled to accept the work. I felt I had no choice.
Whenever I contemplated the situation, my thoughts went around and around in a circular pattern, pin balling to the same pros and cons over and over again, none of which were helpful in making a comfortable decision. I became aware of incredible tension between what I wanted to do, and the overwhelming pressure to give in and say yes to the work, as I have always done.
I was in the grip of a Program. I define a Program as a constellation of beliefs regarding a particular area of life. This constellation of beliefs creates an enclosed state of consciousness for processing thoughts and emotions. When in the grip of a Program,
my mind feels compressed and constrained, like there's no freedom or space to see a problem clearly.
Here's the constellation of beliefs I discovered around money and work:
"If you say no to this work, you will burn a bridge and you should never burn bridges."
"You have to do things you don't want to do to be responsible."
"If you're having too much fun, it means you aren't working hard enough."
"Working provides an excuse to get out of other commitments I can't say no to."
"If you want to survive in this world, you have to haul ass."
These beliefs around work and money are very old. Some of them were spoken directly to me and I internalized them. Some of them arose in response to fears around survival and poverty. So the psyche soothed itself by attaching to beliefs that offer some ground. These beliefs don't feel great, but at least they feel better than the fear. The beliefs are related, and support each other. They intertwine to form a web, a mesh in consciousness. All the mental energy becomes held within that mesh. If one belief gets questioned, there's another one close by to ensure the same choice gets made over and over.
For most of my life I suppose I was pretty comfortable with following the Program. After all, once I looked closely at each belief I noticed a nice payoff for doing what the Program tells me to do. "I don't burn bridges." "I'm responsible." "I'm a hard worker." "I got out of a commitment without hurting someone's feelings."
But as I have progressed along the spiritual path, my soul begins to speak to me more loudly. My soul wants to be expressed. My consciousness seeks to evolve. The payoffs from following the Program suddenly don't feel so hot. This was why I felt such uncertainty about accepting the work, which I would have done without question in the past.
Programs can be tricky to unravel. Since they consist of a constellation of beliefs, each one needs its own inquiry. Unconscious beliefs need to be made conscious. Each belief needs to be squarely looked at, and tested for its truth NOW.
When I recognized the payoffs from my Program, it actually brought up a sense of compassion and understanding. I was even able to appreciate the service the payoffs have been providing. I made a conscious choice to relinquish the payoffs as much as possible.
When beliefs begin to unravel, I feel a sense of relief, a feeling of neutrality emerging to replace the fearful imperative. Neutrality is a great place to land. In neutrality, true wisdom can enter into decision making, and I can choose out of a simple and holistic appraisal of the situation.
New questions about the opportunity arose, such as:
"Can I use the extra money?"
"Is there a way for me to do this on my terms?"
"What can I ask for that would make it more attractive to me?"
"Is there an opportunity here I haven't seen before?"
These questions are based on what exists now, what my needs are now, not on a belief system that was formed decades ago by fearful thoughts.
Although I have begun to unravel some of my Program around work and money, I am still going through the process. One by one, the old beliefs are losing their power and intensity. I see them for what they are. They are becoming ready to be transformed into wisdom.
I asked Donna to write this blog post when I heard her speak so precisely and powerfully about her experience of a Program. Does this resonate for you, too?
Comments